Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better