Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
🚲+physics = winner
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
my sentiments exactly
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks