He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
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I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!