I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
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things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*