BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
A woman drives into a bar.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo