7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what