replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
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Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Huge, if true.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear