There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.