to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 馃
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he鈥檇 still love me if I was a worm.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it鈥檚 a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
me: I think you’ll find my resum茅 impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn鈥檛 control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I think we should hear other voices.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I hate when I think someone鈥檚 funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today