So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
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Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.