Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
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My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
set yourself free xox
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Hey i am sexy to you now
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u