What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Fidel Castro was alive?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no