[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
You Might Also Like
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.