I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
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ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
HR said no more nunchucks.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.