[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I need this for my side hustle.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Truth