I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
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Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.