Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.