The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork