Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?