Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
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*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
PLOT TWIST:
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.