wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
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Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
🛁
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Simple enough.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.