My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.