I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Smile they said.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.