Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
You Might Also Like
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician