My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
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Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*