Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Safety first
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.