[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning