Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.