I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.