Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently