I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
In Canada they just call them geese
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost