me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
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TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
i meant to share this earlier
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?