I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
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My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Found the job I’m suited for
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT