I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
then why did i get this email
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
New tinder profile pic
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Current mood: Potato
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.