Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
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I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.