Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.