I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
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Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥