*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
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I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…