WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
You Might Also Like
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.