Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
You Might Also Like
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My typo game is string.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
the noise i just made
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call