Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Sex so good you see dead people.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
The honesty is refreshing
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.