Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
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Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My dress code is business-casualty.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.