Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
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what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.