HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[the middle of showering] I need a break
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS