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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes