Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
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All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Monday
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.