April 1st is the class clown of days.
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.