the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
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Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.