I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
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Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.