I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
You Might Also Like
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.